Sweet Sixteen (A letter to my daughter on her 16th Birthday)

In some ways – it seems but a minute since I found out I was expecting you.  I still remember the joy.  And the panic.  You can never be truly ready for parenthood, the unknown – no matter how much other people try to tell you – is just too great.  We planned for you for 9 months, and still had no idea what we were doing the day we brought you home.  You were a marvel.  So perfect and tiny and needy.  I remember your milk drunk sleepy face, and exactly how you smelt as you fell asleep next to me after your 2 AM feeding.  I remember the exhaustion and the fear.  But mostly I remember the wonder. And the joy.  Your every smile, every milestone, every tiny grasp of my finger.

You’ve grown and changed so much over the last 16 years. You’ve evolved from this perfect, tiny, needy infant to this perfect, beautiful, marvelous, magic, almost adult woman.  It has been my complete privilege to watch you in this metamorphosis.  And my darling, you have made this journey beautifully. The change from child to adult is never smooth, is never easy, and truthfully never over.  But in the process, you’ve taught me and changed me so much.

You taught me what fear really was.  I was afraid of many things in my childhood and early adult hood.  When I say anxiety has always been my constant companion, I’m not exaggerating. But feeling you move and stretch within me as the towers fell on 9/11 left me wrecked beyond anything I had ever known.  How could I bring a child into a world this evil?  But each day beyond that, I felt my heart in my throat with every breath you took, every small cough and fever, every tumble.  The days you didn’t want to talk to me, the days you did.  The nights you stayed up late and I could hear you in your room, the mornings when I called up to wake you and you didn’t answer immediately.  Even now as I watch you make decisions that could impact your future, as I watch you navigate the social mazes of young adulthood, as I watch you drive the next several stages of your life – I find myself short of breath and teary eyed with fear and worry.

You also taught me about the beauty of hope.  It’s not always been an easy journey – in fact some days it’s been almost impossible, but watching you bloom, watching you fight through the battles, the mire of all you face, and hearing your laughter on the other side is possibly the most beautiful artwork I’ve ever seen you create.  I see hope and beauty in every smile you flash, every sarcastic joke, every plan you make.  I look at you and your friends, and think that the world is in good hands. My fear is sometimes overwhelming, but hope always wins out when I see your face.  Thank you for being a beacon of light even if it wasn’t your goal.

You taught me about the power of art.  I’m not the creative type, I find security in structure and routine.  Prior to you – I might have visited an art museum out of obligation, but not out of enjoyment.  And it would be untruthful to say that your creative tendencies haven’t caused conflict in our relationship, as your messy craft area would make me insane as I attempted to clean up all the glitter (SO. MUCH. GLITTER).  But, oh child, to see what you create.  To hear you sing. To watch you perform.  To see you paint.  Your talent is outmatched only by the joy that shows on your face as you create.  I’ve never understood art – until I watched you.  From childhood plays and handprint art, to high school productions, talent shows, six-foot paintings and floral arrangements…. completely beautiful, and with the power to bring me to tears.  Never stop.  The world needs you, your art, your story.  Wherever your life takes you, whatever career you find. . .never stop creating.

Sixteen is a big year – and I can feel the tightness in my chest when I think of the changes that are coming for us quickly.  I’m imagining a day when I help you move out and knowing that it is coming faster than I can process.  I realize that every milestone is a marker on a timeline of your independence.  And some days it gets me. I find myself holding tighter and tighter to things and ideas when I should be letting go. 

I have this rising sense of panic that I’ve still so much to teach you in the next two years.  I still hold out hope that you’ll one day learn to clean your room (really clean, not just stuff things under the bed/in the closet/behind the desk) and to wash your sheets and rinse your dishes. But mostly I wonder, did I teach you to be strong, loving, and kind?  Did I drive that home as much as I did the ideas of doing your homework and eating your vegetables?

You are so capable – of doing whatever you decide.  I’ve seen you battle through so much and I hope you look back at that and find strength again when you need it.  You are a fighter, I can see it in the tilt of your head and the daring sparkle of your eye. And I pray that you will hold that fight deep in the pit of your stomach and let it rise up when you face the next challenge, whatever it might be.  But you can also always lean on your father and I.  There is no weakness in seeking help, and sometimes being strong means being strong enough to know your limits, to know when the best decision is support.  You are so strong my love.  Let that strength ground you, and ease your worries.  You’ve got this, because we’ve got this together.

I want to remind you to choose to love.  Someone told me that once at a bridal shower. . .”to always chose to love.” And it kind of stuck.  Not just in marriage, but in every relationship, friendship, interaction. Everyone is deserving of love.  Everyone needs it.  Sometimes loving others feels easy and automatic.  But loving people is a hard choice somedays.  Because people are weird, and frustrating, and different from you.  But chose to love them anyway.  Your friends, your teachers, your parents (ahem) – even when they mess up, even when they drive you crazy.   Even then.  Especially then.

            

          Be kind.  Recognize from your own stories and experiences that kindness fixes the brokenness.  And the brokenness isn’t always visible, but each person you know is broken in some way.  Reach out to those you can see are hurting and give them a small smile, an encouraging hug, an extra cookie.  And remember that those that you can’t see hurting would probably still like those things too.  I see you doing this already with me – you can tell when I’m fighting a hard day, and you inevitably reach out with a pat on my back as I cook supper, a snuggle on the couch as I stare at the next day’s to-do list.  And it glues me back together for just a bit.  Spread that around my love, and watch as it fixes others, and yourself.

                I’m glad I’ve got a few more years, I’m glad that day is not today. . .but mostly I want to tell you how incredibly blessed I am to be your mom. You made me a mom.  You taught me fear, and love, and hope, and beauty.  You’ve had to put up with being my firstborn, and have had to take on the brunt of my parenting mistakes as I floundered between promoting your independence and clinging to your childhood.  And we’ll still navigate those waters together, for the next two years. . .and probably forever.  I’m proud of you.  I love you.  Always.

Becoming

My beautiful girl.  

Welcome to middle school - to a season of life that is hard, and full of wonder.  Full of new knowledge, new friends, and new challenges.  And before you get too far into the middle of all this newness and wonder and hardness – there are so many things I want to make sure you know.  And not just “yeah mom I know” know. . .but I want you to KNOW them deep in the corners of your soul, so that you can hold fast to them when life gets harder than you expected, when people are meaner than you thought possible, when you feel lost and alone, or when you are blinded by the brightness of the world’s possibilities and overwhelmed with love for your life and fellow man. 

 

You have been (and always will be) my little girl, my silly face, my pumpkin, mischief maker, a different drummer, a free spirit, and a magic bringer.  But you are Becoming.  Becoming so much more.  And Becoming is hard work, it isn’t always fun or sparkly or pretty.  It’s often painful and lonely and long.  

But – and this is the first thing I want you to know – Becoming may feel lonely, but you are never alone.  Never.  Your father and I will be with you, supporting you, listening to you, and loving you.  Always. Even if we disagree, even if we don’t understand, even if you feel like we know absolutely nothing – you can rest in the knowledge that we love you, no matter what, and will continue doing so until our last breath.  And Jesus, look to Him when you feel lost and alone, and be confident that His love for you is unfathomable in its depth.

Ephesians 3: ¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.

As you do the work that is required to Become, you will find – unfortunately – that the world is full of lies.  These lies will hit you from all sides my sweet daughter, bombarding you with doubts of your self-worth, your inner beauty, and your abilities.  If I could shield you from them and the damage they do, I would do so. . .. but I cannot.  I can however, work to build you up in such a way that you can recognize the lies and stand up against them yourself.  And standing up to the lies, knowing the truth about your worth and wonder, will make those lies weak, and unable to harm you.  So here is the truth – memorize it, commit it to your heart, and share it with those around you.

·         You are enough.  Just as you are.  With your charms and quirks and faults and ups and downs and abilities and weaknesses.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.  I say this as someone who has marveled at your loving and joyful heart for many years, and sees you struggle with comparisons to others, and expectations of perfection.  You are enough.  You do not have to be perfect, you do not have to perform a certain way, you do not have to be what anyone else wants you to be. You get to Become You, and then you get to be you.  I love you, just as you are.  I am proud of you. And God loves and accepts you, just as you are (Titus 3:4-7). 

·         Being female, in no way, diminishes your worth, your ability, or your chance of success.  You are female.  And along with the beautiful way this means your physical body works, there are times when people may treat you as inferior.  This is a fault of theirs – not yours.  You are smart, strong, capable, and amazing.  Your thoughts and opinions are worthwhile and meaningful.  You are valued as a person independently of your physical body.  You have so much to offer this world – as an equal to everyone else.  As you grow and change and experience all that is coming your way, as you Become, please do not allow anyone to treat you differently simply because you are female. Stand up and make your voice heard.  Yell if you have to, but know that your voice is important and should be heard.  Look to the way your father treats me – with respect, with love, and as an equal – as an example for how you should expect to be treated by everyone.  And then, look to Jesus for a perfect example.  Jesus loved women.  He listened to them, he included them, he calls them beloved.  And He listens to you and calls you beloved as well (All the Gospels).

·         Your dad and I will listen and talk to you about anything.  It might be awkward, or weird, or even feel like a disagreement.  But we will always talk.  And we will always listen.  We may not know the answers, we may have to come back to you and admit we messed up, we may just flat out be wrong sometimes.  But you can talk to us.  Whenever, wherever, and always.

·         A person who loves you, will treat you with love.  This one is hard.  So hard. People in your life will tell you that they love you.  You will hear it from so many, but it can be hard to differentiate the people who say it, from the people who mean it.  So know this, someone who truly loves you will never:

o   Physically hurt you.  Ever.

o   Emotionally or mentally abuse you or manipulate you.  Your emotions and thoughts are valid, and someone who attempts to manipulate your behavior by invalidating your feelings does not actually care FOR you.  They might care about what you can do FOR them, but not about you personally.

o   Tell you that you are not worthy.  This is a lie (see above).  You are worthy of love, admiration, time, respect, and prioritization.  And there are people in this world who will treat you accordingly.  Look for them.  Do not settle for anyone who won’t. (1 Corinthians 13:1-7)

·         Life is hard.  I wish this wasn’t true.  But I’m sorry – it is.  There is a lot of hard work in Becoming, and Being.  Long hours of figuring out who you are, and what you want, and how to get there.  Sadness and confusion and heartbreak.  Sometimes I wish I could prevent all of that being true for you.  But life is also beautiful, and amazing, and full of magical people like yourself.  Often that beauty is made more magnificent by the hard work you had to do, by the heartbreak you endured to find the goodness in someone, the setbacks before the success.  Know that God has a plan for you, and it is worth following (Jeremiah 29:11).

·         Kindness is always the best path.  People can be harsh and rude and discouraging.  And its easy (and feels good) to be rude back to them.  But give people the benefit of the doubt, they are battling with the lies they are hearing, and the kindness you show may be all that they have ever seen.  Never do or say anything that might make someone doubt their own worth, or that might make them believe the lies around them. Your heart is full of love and generosity – I’ve seen it.  Don’t lose it by falling into the pattern of harshness yourself. Love and kindness will always win.

·         You can change the world.  Really.  Your brain, your heart, your soul – are all uniquely yours.  And the world needs you and your amazing everything.  Your decision to be kind, or to fight through a hard time, or to know your own value and not settle. . .could be the catalyst to a change within your own life, within the life of others in the community, or on an even larger scale.  Do not be discouraged by the world that you see around you, but find hope in the possibilities.  I believe in you and that the beautiful joy of your heart can change the world.  It certainly changed my world.

There are a million more things I need to tell you.  Take time for yourself.  Make good choices.  Eat your vegetables.  But mostly, mostly I need you to know this.   I love you and I am so proud of you and all that you are Becoming.  The road is long and hard, but I am here for you – to hold you up, to hug you tight, and to love you.  Always.