Its actually much much less.
Just in case you ever find yourself with an unbelievably strong urge for chocolate and a pantry devoid of m-n-m's - DO NOT fool yourself into thinking that a slather of just-ok-left-over-from-making-cupcakes-chocolate frosting smeared onto a kind-of-stale-and-not-very-appetizing-in-the-first-place cookie is going to actually be pretty good. Its not. Its not even remotely good. It just leaves with a stronger desire for good chocolate compounded by your desire to get that rank taste out of your mouth.
Ordinary Idiot - saving your taste buds from culinary insanity - all in a day's work.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
CSI: Homeschooling
***Autopsy report may contain graphic details and be tedious reading. Discretion is advised***
So the autopsy report is in and I'm finally feeling comfortable enough to write about this. When we finally finished school I wanted to rush right in and tell you all about it. How terrible it was, how frustrating, how totally unbelievabley RELIEVED I was that it was over. But I couldn't. I felt all of those things, but was almost ashamed to admit it. I mean, isn't it the awesomest to be part of helping your child learn to read? To begin to understand math and watch her blossom just as her science projects grew into a plant with a flower? How could I not love that? How could it have not been the perfect experience? And as I type this - I'm still not sure, how all of that wasn't true for me. It just wasn't.
I started homeschooling Drama Queen initially for two reasons. Reason #1 - her birthday precludes her from going to public schools for another year. She was SO ready for school though - already knew all her letters and numbers and was adding and was amazingly curious about everything. How could I force her to wait another year? Reason #2 - I wanted to be a stay at home mom and that meant a pretty big paycut for us - big enough we could no longer afford the private school we had been planning to send her to. So, homeschooling it was. I didn't start out doing it out of a great desire to keep her with me, or because I hate public schools, or want to guard her against the evils of learing about evolution. But I was going to do it. And like everything else I've ever faced in life, I was positive that I could do this. It was kindergarten right? All finger painting and eating glue with a few little lessons thrown in. But something in my genetic code made that impossible for me. I set out with lessons planned for all the following subjects:
Reading
Writing
Math
Science
History
Bible
Art/Music/Spanish/Computers
PE
I understand that she's only 5, but its never too early to learn right? I mean, I tried to make the lessons fun - but apparently I am the Anti-Fun incarnate. I'm not creative like that - I tried so hard, but nothing I was planning was really fun. She tried so hard - but she was in fun withdrawal and so she got antsy, unable to pay attention and stopped trying. I tried to make her try, I got frustrated, she got frustrated, I couldn't believe how much she wasn't even trying to try, she couldn't believe that I wanted her to try more than she was trying. . .. Reading that last sentence still doesn't represent the frustration I felt every day. And when in April my wonderful husband and I started talking about baby #3 possibilies I lost it. Melted down to an extreme state of emotional goo that could only rant about How In The World Was I Going To Do This If We Had 3 Kids.
And so, I found a private school that we can afford and enrolled the Drama Queen for next year. Instantly I felt like a new woman - a new, relieved woman, albeit a relieved woman who had to admit she couldn't do everything. I felt like I could breathe, but it was the breath of a newly captured soldier who has realized he is going to live, but is still defeated. Part of me is still rebeling at the idea that I couldn't do this! I have friends - lots of friends - who homeschool and LOVE it. They encouraged me to do this, that it was the awesomest and most rewarding thing. They are all awesome women, but they aren't smarter than me or better than me (although they may be more fun than me). WHY? HOW? Wa-HUH? Why can't I do it?
In the end, it may not matter exactly why it wouldn't work for me, but here are a few reasons I've decided to pin the blame on in an effort to absolve myself from the guilt.
Reason #1 - I did, in all honesty, put too much pressure on myself and Drama Queen to not only succeed at homeschooling, but to astound. I wanted everyone who ever met her to be blown away by all that she knew and could do for her young age. I wanted to one day be able to put her in public school and have them tell me she was way beyond her grade level. Don't get me wrong, I still want her to be smart (and she is) but it was a pride thing for me, I wanted to be able to smugly smile at everyone who noticed her superior intellect and tell them, yes, I taught her all that.
Reason #2 - I am too busy. All women are too busy, its somehow connected to those chromosones that make us female but apparently I am TOO too busy. Every day I taught Drama Queen, chased Pee Pot, did the dishes, fed the dogs, swept the floors, washed laundry, folded laundry, wiped counters, cooked breakfast and lunch, put up toys, broke up fights, and kissed boo-boos. And that was just until lunch time. After lunch I put Pee Pot down for a nap, put Drama Queen in front of a movie or a book and logged into work where I basically wrote code, put out fires, listened to people whine or gripe, answered emails, responded to phone calls for 4 hours - all while still trying to pick up toys, wash and fold laundry, break up fights and kiss boo-boos. Then when F got home we would try to work in the yard or around the house until it was time for dinner although most days in that timeframe we also took Drama Queen to TaeKwonDo, I taught Aerobics classes or James had band practice, we went to Bible Study or to the Chiropractor and bought groceries. After the kids went to bed I would try to finish my work on the computer, finish hanging clothes, finish the dishes, and spend 2.5 seconds of quality time with my husband. And if for even one day I let any of those things fall to the side - BAM we were out of clean socks, out of clean forks, over run by toys, or dealing with screaming employers.
Reason #3 - my husband. Before you fall out of your chair that I'm blaming my husband for my failures, let me clarify what I mean. F works hard, alot, a long time, doing tedious work that he doesn't really like that allows me to stay home with the kids. His job is very structured and he is a very responsible employee - he doesn't come in late or leave early. He doesn't try to work from home knowing that he won't get nearly as much done. He works. Hard. All of my girlfriends who homeschool - they have husbands with flexible jobs. Their husbands are in the ministry or are self-employed or work from home or whatever, so that they can take the kids for a day or so if mom needs a break. If mom is sick, they can take over. If mom is on the brink of pulling her hair out and eating it - they can step in. They don't have to work a specific schedule, they have the flexibility to help with the homeschooling. My husband just doesn't have that. And on those days when I found myself wanting to crawl into bed and let someone else just deal with it - he couldn't. Not because he didn't want to help - but because he couldn't. And not having that support available when I really needed it, was a death blow to my homeschooling experience.
So its dead. I'll post again in a day or so with the wake and funeral details - now that the cause of death has been determined and I've had a while to cope with the loss, its easier to look back and remember the good times and I'll share some of those with you as well.
Sorry for the length of this report - if you are actually still reading at this point let me know and I'll mail you a cookie.
So the autopsy report is in and I'm finally feeling comfortable enough to write about this. When we finally finished school I wanted to rush right in and tell you all about it. How terrible it was, how frustrating, how totally unbelievabley RELIEVED I was that it was over. But I couldn't. I felt all of those things, but was almost ashamed to admit it. I mean, isn't it the awesomest to be part of helping your child learn to read? To begin to understand math and watch her blossom just as her science projects grew into a plant with a flower? How could I not love that? How could it have not been the perfect experience? And as I type this - I'm still not sure, how all of that wasn't true for me. It just wasn't.
I started homeschooling Drama Queen initially for two reasons. Reason #1 - her birthday precludes her from going to public schools for another year. She was SO ready for school though - already knew all her letters and numbers and was adding and was amazingly curious about everything. How could I force her to wait another year? Reason #2 - I wanted to be a stay at home mom and that meant a pretty big paycut for us - big enough we could no longer afford the private school we had been planning to send her to. So, homeschooling it was. I didn't start out doing it out of a great desire to keep her with me, or because I hate public schools, or want to guard her against the evils of learing about evolution. But I was going to do it. And like everything else I've ever faced in life, I was positive that I could do this. It was kindergarten right? All finger painting and eating glue with a few little lessons thrown in. But something in my genetic code made that impossible for me. I set out with lessons planned for all the following subjects:
Reading
Writing
Math
Science
History
Bible
Art/Music/Spanish/Computers
PE
I understand that she's only 5, but its never too early to learn right? I mean, I tried to make the lessons fun - but apparently I am the Anti-Fun incarnate. I'm not creative like that - I tried so hard, but nothing I was planning was really fun. She tried so hard - but she was in fun withdrawal and so she got antsy, unable to pay attention and stopped trying. I tried to make her try, I got frustrated, she got frustrated, I couldn't believe how much she wasn't even trying to try, she couldn't believe that I wanted her to try more than she was trying. . .. Reading that last sentence still doesn't represent the frustration I felt every day. And when in April my wonderful husband and I started talking about baby #3 possibilies I lost it. Melted down to an extreme state of emotional goo that could only rant about How In The World Was I Going To Do This If We Had 3 Kids.
And so, I found a private school that we can afford and enrolled the Drama Queen for next year. Instantly I felt like a new woman - a new, relieved woman, albeit a relieved woman who had to admit she couldn't do everything. I felt like I could breathe, but it was the breath of a newly captured soldier who has realized he is going to live, but is still defeated. Part of me is still rebeling at the idea that I couldn't do this! I have friends - lots of friends - who homeschool and LOVE it. They encouraged me to do this, that it was the awesomest and most rewarding thing. They are all awesome women, but they aren't smarter than me or better than me (although they may be more fun than me). WHY? HOW? Wa-HUH? Why can't I do it?
In the end, it may not matter exactly why it wouldn't work for me, but here are a few reasons I've decided to pin the blame on in an effort to absolve myself from the guilt.
Reason #1 - I did, in all honesty, put too much pressure on myself and Drama Queen to not only succeed at homeschooling, but to astound. I wanted everyone who ever met her to be blown away by all that she knew and could do for her young age. I wanted to one day be able to put her in public school and have them tell me she was way beyond her grade level. Don't get me wrong, I still want her to be smart (and she is) but it was a pride thing for me, I wanted to be able to smugly smile at everyone who noticed her superior intellect and tell them, yes, I taught her all that.
Reason #2 - I am too busy. All women are too busy, its somehow connected to those chromosones that make us female but apparently I am TOO too busy. Every day I taught Drama Queen, chased Pee Pot, did the dishes, fed the dogs, swept the floors, washed laundry, folded laundry, wiped counters, cooked breakfast and lunch, put up toys, broke up fights, and kissed boo-boos. And that was just until lunch time. After lunch I put Pee Pot down for a nap, put Drama Queen in front of a movie or a book and logged into work where I basically wrote code, put out fires, listened to people whine or gripe, answered emails, responded to phone calls for 4 hours - all while still trying to pick up toys, wash and fold laundry, break up fights and kiss boo-boos. Then when F got home we would try to work in the yard or around the house until it was time for dinner although most days in that timeframe we also took Drama Queen to TaeKwonDo, I taught Aerobics classes or James had band practice, we went to Bible Study or to the Chiropractor and bought groceries. After the kids went to bed I would try to finish my work on the computer, finish hanging clothes, finish the dishes, and spend 2.5 seconds of quality time with my husband. And if for even one day I let any of those things fall to the side - BAM we were out of clean socks, out of clean forks, over run by toys, or dealing with screaming employers.
Reason #3 - my husband. Before you fall out of your chair that I'm blaming my husband for my failures, let me clarify what I mean. F works hard, alot, a long time, doing tedious work that he doesn't really like that allows me to stay home with the kids. His job is very structured and he is a very responsible employee - he doesn't come in late or leave early. He doesn't try to work from home knowing that he won't get nearly as much done. He works. Hard. All of my girlfriends who homeschool - they have husbands with flexible jobs. Their husbands are in the ministry or are self-employed or work from home or whatever, so that they can take the kids for a day or so if mom needs a break. If mom is sick, they can take over. If mom is on the brink of pulling her hair out and eating it - they can step in. They don't have to work a specific schedule, they have the flexibility to help with the homeschooling. My husband just doesn't have that. And on those days when I found myself wanting to crawl into bed and let someone else just deal with it - he couldn't. Not because he didn't want to help - but because he couldn't. And not having that support available when I really needed it, was a death blow to my homeschooling experience.
So its dead. I'll post again in a day or so with the wake and funeral details - now that the cause of death has been determined and I've had a while to cope with the loss, its easier to look back and remember the good times and I'll share some of those with you as well.
Sorry for the length of this report - if you are actually still reading at this point let me know and I'll mail you a cookie.
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