Misery

There are things in life that occasionally cause me to think - "Now this is just pure misery". The zillionth load of laundry. Cleaning up after the babysitter leaves a mess. Working outside in the July heat. Being 8 months pregnant in the July heat. But today - today topped all of those things.

Today was the dentist. A little backstory - I hate the dentist. Hate. It. Enormously. I had a ton of dental work done when I was younger and have a severe strong internal link between dental work and anxiety. None of my work was exceptionally painful - just everytime I went I was fussed at "You don't floss enough", given something disgusting to gargle, given a shot, had a tooth pulled, had molds made where I felt like I was choking on the substance in my throat, something uncomfortable and irritating. Add that to looooooong visits where I stayed in the chair for 4+ hours for fittings and refittings and the fact that my dentist - while good, wasn't exactly child-friendly and just thinking of going to the dentist causes my stomach to knot and contract and my head to throb. Lovely - ain't it?

So I rarely go. Like once every 3 years or so - normally only because something hurts to the point that I can't put it off anymore. I've discovered that a root canal is not the torturous event I'd imagined it to be, and I'd rather have one of those than a simple cleaning/filling visit. But, with my children I was determined that they wouldn't have this irrational fear. My kids would like the dentist.

It took me a while to find one that I liked - and its a great place. Tailored totally toward kids, the waiting room is open and light and painted like a forest with books and a movie playing and video games. Drama Queen really likes it. She's been twice before for cleanings and its gone very well. The hygenists and assistants tell her they are going to make her teeth shine with princess sparkles and they give her prizes when she leaves. Last week we went for her cleaning and she enjoyed it - but then they gave us the news. They had found. A. Cavity.

So today we went back to have it filled. They gave her laughing gas which for some reason didn't seem to work - she wasn't getting enough to have any effect. Which means she felt it when they gave her the novicaine. And she began to scream. And cry. I held her hand and talked her through it and tried to get her to calm down. But there was no calming to be done. "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts really bad mommy." "Mommy I need you - hold my hand." She cried and I told her that now - it wouldn't hurt anymore. She wouldn't be able to feel anything after this. But either she could - or she thought she could. She screamed and cried when they put the ring on her tooth, she cried when they did the "rain coat" - after each thing they did she would say "Are you done?" and then cry when they said no. Eventually they had to put her in a "Papoose". Basically a full body straight jacket to keep her from moving and hurting either herself or the dentist. But it was sheer torture for me. Now I couldn't touch her - I was relegated to the back of the room while they continued to work on her. One little cavity - so much torment. Now she cried and screamed continually. The dentist tried to get her to calm down and was working as fast as she could to finish up. And I stood helplessly by listening to her cries. Holding back my own tears so she wouldn't see my pain. So she would only see her mommy being brave. But it was pure misery. Seeing my child in pain, hearing her cry out for me, crying for it to be over and having to stand aside, not being able to comfort her, not being able to help her. Pure misery.

Later I held her and told her I loved her, and let her see me cry so she would know I didn't like watching that, letting her know that I loved her. Then we went for ice cream. She is almost over it by now - her cheek almost returning to its normal smiley state, her mind almost letting her think of other things. I hope that she doesn't remember much about this later and that it is a long long long time before we have to have another cavity filled and that by then she will have forgotten this completely.

I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have to watch that same scene under different circumstances - when a child is truly in danger, in true pain, and to stand by and watch your child, that you love and want only to protect and comfort and only want to experience joy and laughter, and not be able to reach out and comfort.

Oh God - the misery.