I have never been a quitter. As one of my co-workers once told me. . .I am "too stubborn to fail". I hate giving up, I hate giving in, I hate not seeing something through to completion.
but it is almost time.
time to quit. time to walk away. time to let it go.
My insane drive (to win! be the best! just keep going!) has officially run out, and it is almost time to quit.
My belief that if I just KEPT going, worked a LITTLE harder - surely, surely, it would pay off and things would change, things would get better and I would prevail - that belief has died.
Loosing the studio 2 years ago felt like this. And to face it again - to face defeat - even in the knowledge that it isn't exactly MY fault. . .that it just IS - is killing me.
I want to scream and stomp and lie down on the floor and kick my legs out like a toddler's temper tantrum.
Because its JUST NOT FAIR. And it hurts to give up. And it hurts to know that giving it everything I had wasn't enough.
But it doesn't hurt as much as working 11 hour days and realizing that I still have a million things to do and no more time to do them. And that I could work all night and not be done.
It doesn't hurt as much as feeling lost and stupid with no where to turn all day, and coming home exhausted and stressed and crying.
It doesn't hurt as much as telling my boss that I'm overworked and overwrought and hanging on by my fingernails and then having nothing change.
It doesn't hurt as much as having my husband tell me "Don't give up everything for that job. Don't forget your kids, don't forget your smile."
It doesn't hurt as much as hearing my kids pray "Dear God, help mommy not be so stressed, please let her job be better."
Nothing hurts worse than that.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
You are one of the most intelligent people I know. If this job is making you feel any other way then it definitely isn't for you.
There is no shame in walking away from a bad thing.
Agree with the hubby on this one. Don't ever forget your smile.
Things I know about you: hardworking, multitasker, devoted, organized, intelligent. I have had the great pleasure of getting to know the other part of that awesome person too, the loving, caring, crazy, best friend, listener to all the insaine things that goes on in my life and a wonderful advice giver. Your family is one of the sweetest group of people on this earth. If any one deserves to smile that beautiful smile and just relax and enjoy all the wonderful moments in life it is you. Julia you rock and I love you like crazy. I pray that you get to your happy peaceful place. Hold that head you and kick butt you have the best shoes for it...
Thank you guys. . .I love you both :)
It sucks because there are parts of my job that I love - and I will miss those parts when I walk away.
But it is definitely time. Or maybe past time.
Post a Comment