Insanely Mortified

Work has been crazy as of late.  And not crazy in a good way, although, I don't guess it has been all bad either.

I still do that thing I do. . .but due to a co-worker leaving unexpectedly - I've gotten the opportunity to step in and do some project management.  And well. . .I haven't decided exactly how I feel about that yet.

A.  Good for my resume.
B.  A nice change
C. Parts of it - like new products that I get to help see through development are very cool
D. But Mostly just A. . .

However it also comes with downsides
1.  The *other* thing I do certainly didn't disappear and I find myself just a wee bit (totally, completely, ridiculously) overworked, overwhelmed and on the edge of losing it.
2.  There are parts of the "management" that truly suck. Dear Sales Weasels. . .REALLY?  You promised the customer WHAT?!?!
3.  Also. ..the documentation of process and the management of said documentation of said process. Vomituous. (I'm pretty sure that is a real word. It should be).

And all of those downsides worked together to bring me to one of The Most Embarrassing Moments of my career.

I was already covered up in work when I found out about a meeting with an irritated customer. That would be happening over my lunch break.  That I was then told I needed to "drive" the call.  "Driving the call" is management speak for "we think they'll be nicer to you than they would be to person X".  I stress.  I plan.  Ten minutes before the call, everything changes and I get told I will not be "driving" (Thank. God.) but will still need to attend.

The call goes as poorly as possible. The customer is angry and threatening and posturing and it is Most. Uncomfortable.  We are scrambling.  I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what to do about this wonderful wonderful customer. . .while also attending 5 more meetings (not related), dealing with 4 additional projects (only one of which is mine to really worry about) and come to the realization that I WILL NEVER get all this trash done. Never. Never.

At 4:35 I walk back to my desk after coming from a meeting that wasn't nearly as bad as the morning disaster, but was still not great (and was dealing with yet ANOTHER project. . .are you keeping count? because I totally don't know anymore) and am greeted by my very least favorite co-worker in all the land.

He truly grates on my very last nerve.  This day he has decided to pester me about a document that. . I don't have.  I don't have it. . .I haven't been able to get in touch with the guy who DOES have it. . .and I have told him that twice already in the last 26 hours.  And He begins to stress to me the IMPORTANCE  of this document, why we MUST have it (for a project that does not yet have sign off. . .) and I begin to feel my blood boil and hit that point where the stress of the day hits the hormones of the month and your heart begins to pound and it is either get angry or get weepy. . .

I take a deep breath.  I tell him (AGAIN) that I know it is important, I am working on it, I have not forgotten about it. . .but Mr Person With the Document is still out of the office and I will get it as soon as humanly possible.  There is a possibility that my chin quivers, but I cover it up by turning toward my computer and pointing out the fact that Mr Person With the Document is not available.  I raise my voice slightly as I declare, "I. Am. Working. On. It" and then turn away and begin to work on something else.

Then another co-worker stops by. . .he has noticed me working like a feral chipmunk on speed previously and kindly tells me to "go on home. . .this stuff can wait. . .your kids probably miss you".  I once again keep the chin quiver to a minimum as I tell him thanks. . .I'm just wrapping some stuff up and then I plan to head home.

It is now 4:50. . .and co-worker #3 walks up.  He smiles and says "Hey Ordinary Idiot. . .you doing ok?"

.

.

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And. I. Lose. It.  Just break into tears at nothing.  He looks shocked and tries to tell me "hey. . .its ok. . .I'm so sorry" and I stutter out that I really am ok. . .it isn't anything really. . .its just everything and then. . .I. Just. Can't. Stop.  I'm sitting there in my cube, desperately trying to get myself together while he runs interference to keep anyone else from bothering me.

I'm embarrassed to admit that it took me a good 20 minutes to feel like I could breathe without breaking into fresh tears.  I end up sending him an instant message that goes something like "I really am ok. . .thanks for the kindness and consideration. . .I am so sorry that I started crying for no reason. . .I swear I'm really not insane"

He was honestly way cool about it.  And the next day I stomped myself around the office - back in my "I am strong and will make YOU weep" mode. . .but dang.  Some days. . .the crazy just wins out.

Mortified.